So, it's been several months that I've quit the university — or to be frank it's been five months. My life's been going good, I think. I'm taking the medications as the doctor has prescribed me to (though there are times that I just skipped it), I've got a job which is getting stable and comfortable, I now live with my families and everything should be very great right now.
But, to be honest I didn't feel like it.
And, I know what an ungrateful brat I sounded like.
I don't and didn't know why and how the loneliness still creeps into my bones and my sacred soul. I'm innocent, and a decent human being and all I need is love and happiness that should have rolls in front of me like an ending from a happily ever after movies, but why I didn't feel like it and why I feel like that everything's getting worse and sickening.
I live my life every day with a big smile on my face, with all the giggles that came out from my mouth, and some of the lame jokes I made to please people and myself. I live myself every day to be the 'happy' and exciting person I should be but in the end of the day, my soul felt hurt like it was stabbed with a dull knife that causes the pain to slowly creeps into my soul and soon cause it to die.
What the fudge is wrong with me?
And I know I couldn't answer that.
A few days ago, I watched a beautiful love story movies about first love but ends with a heartbreak. The movie left me feeling the ache by watching the antagonist's crying in tears because his first love left him, all alone. I can feel it. I just can. The final part of the movies shows look in his eyes, crying all his heart without any words spoken, its just too beautifully portrayed but sadly the didn't even win the recent Oscar Awards.
And with that, it ends. And from that, I tried to cry too. There was slight tears slides from my eyes but that's just that. The feelings I had insides was trapped, and I couldn't let it out. The pain from yesterdays — or maybe all these time been trapped in these sacred dying soul.
I noticed that, it's been a while I have cried as long as I can remember. The last time I was crying all out was when my first cat died due to an accident. And anything tears that came out from my eyes, I couldn't feel it. The tears are there, but the feelings..are kept somewhere else. Buried beneath, deep in my soul.
Lord, how long should I feel this kind of feelings?
